This is me starting over. Again. For the gazillionth time. I can't count how many times I have tried to lose weight. I will be all on board for however long, and I always end up back here. Only it gets worse each time. I am (back) at my all time highest weight: 262 pounds. And if that number isn't shocking enough, I am only 5'4"! I am 115 pounds higher than my ultimate goal weight of 145. I have to lose a whole person to hit my goal!
I wasn't always like this. I weighed 100 pounds my freshman year of high school. Guess what though, I thought I was huge! I have always had an unhealthy relationship with my body and food. When I was a freshman I was also anorexic. There were days all I consumed was hot cocoa. Then I got into a relationship and ate normally, and graduated high school at 150 pounds. I look back at pictures and actually like the way I looked then. Which is so ironic because at the time I was so disappointed how much fatter I had gotten.
I got married the summer I graduated high school. Moved to a new city. Started nursing school. So many stresses at once and I deal with stress by eating. I made attempts at losing weight, and would do good for a while and then fail. I remember crying and wanting to die the day the scale read 200. My marriage failed after he decided drinking and strip clubs and cheating on me was the way he wanted to live, and our divorce was finalized during my senior year of college.
I lost about 20 pounds immediately following our initial separation but quickly gained it back. I stayed around 200 until I met my current husband about 3 1/2 years later. I guess I have just become happy and comfortable. I've gained 60 pounds in the 3 years we have been together. I lost 30 pounds before our wedding this past fall, but have since gained it all back.
So here I sit, the fattest I have ever been. If you have read my other blog A Long Road Ahead you know that my husband and I are dealing with infertility. We most likely will have to do IVF to get pregnant and I would like to be down at least 50 pounds before we do.