WTF is wrong with me?

I think I'm on the verge of a nervous breakdown. I keep crying or tearing up today. I just feel overwhelmingly sad and I have no idea why. I really think I need to see a therapist but I can't get the nerve up to do it. Its going to be a long night.

The numbers don't lie

I posted my measurements and I lost very little in terms of inches or weight this month. I am so disappointed in myself. I did take my dog for a 25 minute walk with my husband so at least I did something today but I need to do more. I planned out my diet for tomorrow and I am 8 points short for the day. I think I will keep it that way to try and make up a little for the past few days. I feel so gross right now. I can't believe I let things get so out of hand again.

Why do I always do this?

I am failing. I haven't exercised regularly in probably at least 3 weeks and my diet/points tracking has been very sporadic, maybe one or two days a week. Since our party last Saturday I haven't counted points at all and have been doing some serious over eating. I decided to weigh myself today to try and scare myself into getting back on track: 238.8 (a 3.4 pound gain!!). And even that didn't help, I have been eating chips and cookies all day, so I probably weigh much more. If I am not careful I will be back into the 240s and I had hoped they were gone forever.

I have been feeling pretty down lately, I don't know if that is what my problem is but this has got to stop.

I always do this about this point. I had lost almost 30 pounds (~27 pounds this time). The last time I was serious about losing weight was before my wedding, when I lost 29 pounds (I saw 229 on the scale for the first time in a long time). I was so proud to reach that point and then I just gave up. I had gained back at least 10 pounds by my wedding and was lucky I fit into my dress. I am almost to that exact point again and I am giving up again. I hate that I do this. I have such a long way to go I cannot afford to keep doing this to myself.

I work 12 hour shifts the next 4 nights in a row, so I won't have much extra time to overeat. I am throwing away the rest of the leftover junk food from the bbq. I think I will spend the next few hours before I go to work catching up on some weight loss blogs for inspiration. Hopefully my husband and I can take the dog for a walk before we work tonight and I'd like to maybe get a workout in too, but right now my stomach is upset from overeating. I know this sounds awful but right now it would be so nice to be bulimic so I could just get rid of all that junk I just ate. I am having some serious remorse.

I am thinking I need to start planning out my meals and exercise for the week. If I have a written out plan to stick to that might help me keep on track better. Our vacation is in just over two months and I had hoped to be down to 200 or 210 by then, now that is impossible. My new goal is to be down 20 pounds by then. I really need to get back on track if that is to happen.

What a weekend

We hosted a barbeque at our house this weekend and it was a blast! Horrible for the diet though, and since then we have been consisting on leftovers. I've made the decision not to weigh myself this week because I know it will not be good. I'm making my husband take the rest of the leftovers to work so I won't have to worry about eating them. I've been so sore since my last workout on Friday that I haven't been able to exercise, but I am finally starting to be less sore. I plan to take the dog for a walk today since its gorgeous out and hopefully get a workout in tonight. I really need to get back into the C25K before I lose all the progress I made.

Getting back into it

I did my Biggest Loser exercise video today since I haven't exercised in a week. I did the low impact cardio and the strength, for a total of 45 minutes. I haven't done this workout in probably a couple months so it was nice to do something different. Tomorrow we are having a barbeque at our house so my diet will probably not be the best, so I really need to get back on track with counting my points on Sunday. I am down a pound so far this week but I anticipate tomorrow changing that.

Weigh in and a quick update

Sorry I have been a bad blogger! The one day I had to blog this week and blogger was down. Life has been busy. I weighed in today at 235.4, so I was down 0.4 from last week. Considering I had a bachelorette party of Saturday and my mother's day meltdown, I am happy with any loss at all this week.

I have not had much time to exercise. After I did my 20 minute run a couple Thursdays ago I didn't exercise for a week. I did day 1 of week 6 of C25K on Thursday and now haven't had a chance to exercise again since. Unless you count dancing on a party bus on Saturday :) My arms and legs are ridiculously sore after that! I also fell on the bus, hitting my back and head which is why I haven't exercised the past two days. I am debating going to the doctor but I am starting to feel better. I have a nice bump on the back of my head and my upper back is bruised. I am hoping to feel well enough to exercise tomorrow when I get off work in the morning.

I am doing a little better since my last blog post, although I did end up having a mini binge after that post. Not horrible, but I shouldn't have done it. I ate well the rest of the week after that. So far this week is going well too!

Falling apart

I am really struggling right now. I am an emotional wreck today. Between Mother's Day and 4 new pregnancy announcements in the past 24 hours I have lost it. I currently want to binge, so freaking bad. I just want the hurt to go away. I don't know what to do. I feel so out of control right now. I don't want to work out. I want to stuff my face and forget about the pain. I hate this!!

Time to Confess

This weekend has been awful for my diet. It started Friday night at work when the formula reps came and brought cupcakes. They looked so freaking delicious and I had one. Honestly, I wanted more! Then yesterday I got called off work and went out with the husband to a friend's wedding after party. I was planning on getting back on track today but it being Mother's Day and me not being able to get pregnant has been very difficult. I thought I would be okay since we didn't have to go anywhere but I was holding back tears the majority of the day and the emotional eating was out of control. I really need to work on healthy ways to deal with all this.

I have not exercised since my 20 minute run on Thursday. That is three days not working out, the longest I have gone in a while. I plan to start week 6 of C25K tomorrow and I need to fit in some exercise videos as well. I would exercise tonight but I really feel overstuffed and sluggish since I ate so much today.

I don't even want to know how much I really weigh right now. I weighed myself Saturday morning after I started slipping up and weighed 235.8, which is a .2 gain for the week. The past two days I am sure I have gained more back however. Since I am starting over on Monday, I think I will wait to officially weigh myself until next Monday, to give myself a full week to repair the damage I have done.

I do have a bachelorette party on Saturday however, which will probably cause me trouble as well. I need to make sure to be strict with my points and exercise this week to try to make up for that. I don't think I will be able to make the dinner, but we are doing a party bus and there will be tons of drinking, of course.

I am so ashamed I did so poorly this weekend. I was really hoping to hit 30 pounds lost by next week (232 pounds) but now I doubt that will be possible. I will try not to dwell and just move on in the morning.

Nailed it!

Week 5 of C25K is over and done! Today I ran twenty minutes without stopping! I cannot believe it. Just 5 weeks ago I couldn't run over a minute without stopping. I ran a little slower than usual, 3.6mph, just to make sure I could do it. The last 2-3 minutes were killer but I did it!  Total distance ran was 1.33 miles! I ran over a mile! I hit the mile point at 15 minutes and 15 seconds. I added 5 minutes of walking to the end for a total workout of 35 minutes. I am so proud of myself. I know I need to work on speed eventually but right now I am just working on time and endurance.

Success! And then some

Tonight I did day two of week five of the C25K. This week consists of eight minutes running, five minutes walking, and eight minutes running. I did all the walking at 2.8mph as usual. The two runs I did at 3.7mph and I did the whole thing without stopping! And I didn't feel like I was going to die. AND after the five minute cool down walk I decided to throw in another eight minute run just for fun. I did that one at 3.8mph. That is 24 minutes of running total, or 1.5 miles! I am hoping that on Thursday when I have to do 20 minutes straight I can pull it off. I added more walking also to have a total workout of 45 minutes.

Tonight I also made these:

For a bridal shower I am going to. I admit, I did eat one before they were frosted to make sure they tasted okay. Unfrosted they are 6 points, frosted they are 10 points! I had 8 points to spare for the day so I still ended up being two points below my daily limit. I did have a proud moment a little while ago though. I had every intention of having a cupcake after midnight since it was the start of a new day but ended up putting it back. I know I will have one at the shower later and that is plenty! I am slowly starting to show some will power and it feels great!

Did better than I thought I would!

This is an update to my last post. I ended up going back to Jillian and doing the remaining circuits in the dvd (the even numbered circuits) for an 18 minute additional workout. These circuits had a lot more jumping exercises in them which I had to modify a bit, but for the most part I did okay. Then I walked for 20 minutes on the treadmill at 3.0mph (which as I've said, is a fast walk for me due to my short stride). All together an hour of exercise for Monday!

Cookies and Jillian Michaels

I know, those two things don't belong in the same post but today they do! I'll start with the cookies. Actually, make that rice krispie bars and cookies to be exact. I don't know what is going on but lately I have been itching to bake things. The problem with this is then I tend to eat those things. My solution to this has been eating one or two and having my husband take the rest to work. I bet his coworkers love me, lol.

Tonight I made rice krispie bars. I only ate one (4 points), kept a few for me and my husband tomorrow, and sent the rest to work with him. Then after he left I decided to make chocolate cookies because I have been craving them like no other. I made a half batch and only ate one (also 4 points). I had ate well the rest of the day and this got me to all of my points and I used one weekly point.

The best part was, after eating one I was satisfied! Normally when I make cookies I eat three at a time. I am so proud that I am able to only eat one. Now, don't go telling me I shouldn't be eating any at all, because I refuse to live like that. I love to bake and should be able to eat a cookie, especially if I ate well all day. This is a lifestyle change and my lifestyle will still include dessert. Portion control is my goal and I think I did well tonight.

As for Jillian, today I did another of her workout dvds, Banish Fat, Boost Metabolism. I bought this a few years ago but never even opened it. The workout consists of 7 circuits about 6 minutes each. Today I only did the odd numbered circuits for a 24 minute workout. The moves are pretty similar to those in the 30 Day Shred but its all cardio. I didn't want to do too much today so I am not sore for my C25K run tomorrow. I might do another workout before I go to bed or at least walk on the treadmill for a bit.

Started week 5

Last night I started week 5 of C25K. Day one is 5 minutes running and 3 minutes walking intervals. I did all the walking at 2.8mph and the three five minute runs I did at 3.8, 3.9, and 4.0mph, in that order. After the cool down I did an additional five minute run at 4.0mph. I ended up doing 50 minutes total, so about 20 minutes of running at 30 minutes of walking. My husband and I also took our dog for a walk outside for about 20 minutes earlier in the day.

I have to say, this day was not as hard as last week. My calves barely even started to hurt by the end and last week they were on fire. I even found the first five minute run to be easy! I really didn't find it a struggle at all until the extra five minute run I added to the end, and even that wasn't so bad. I really hope this means I will do well with the rest of the week at this level.

I ended up eating my exact number of points for the day. I have to watch my points this week because I need to save my weekly points for Wednesday, I am going to a bridal shower at a local italian restaurant and I plan on having pasta :) I already have my meals planned out for the next two days. I am off work until Thursday night and that is when I struggle, when I am at home and bored. Once I am back to work I know I will do fine.

NSV (Non-Scale Victory)

I thought I would share a little non-scale victory as well. I have definitely gone down some in clothing sizes. I originally wore size 22 in pants and now regularly fit into size 18 pants! Soon I will be out of the fatty section of the store :) The dress I wore to the wedding last night (though I did wear spanx to smooth things out) was a 16! I also went from size 2X scrub pants to size XL!

I had all these smaller sizes from before and its so nice to try things on that haven't fit in years and have them fit again!

Update

Just a little update on the past few days. Friday I did a forth day of C25K week 4. I did the walking at 2.8mph and the running at 3.7 mph. I was able to do it without stopping again although I really wanted to! I think tonight I will move on to week 5. Day one seems pretty painless, three runs at 5 minutes a piece. I may have to repeat day two a couple times before I move on to day 3. It seems like such a jump to go from 5-8 minutes of running at a time to 20 minutes of running!

I didn't end up exercising at all on Thursday (my plan had been to do 30DS and a walk) because I was busy watching my shows on tv (Vampire Diaries and Big Bang Theory) and then chatting with my friends and people online about them, lol. Lamest excuse ever! But they were both sooo good this week.

I also didn't exercise yesterday but it was my day off. I had a wedding and we went out to eat so I decided to take the day off and not count points or exercise (which I ended up not having time to do anyway). Roughly estimating points I used up all my daily points and all my weekly points (which I had saved just for the occasion).  Considering we ate out both meals yesterday, I had a piece of cake, and I had 4 drinks at the wedding, I don't think this was too horrible. It was nice to have a fun day without worrying too much about it. Back on track today though!

I just woke up for the day so I haven't eaten yet. I will probably have some cereal and then head to the grocery store. I will probably end up under my points again today because I will eat supper later and that's it. That should help make up for yesterday a bit.