Why do I always do this?

I am failing. I haven't exercised regularly in probably at least 3 weeks and my diet/points tracking has been very sporadic, maybe one or two days a week. Since our party last Saturday I haven't counted points at all and have been doing some serious over eating. I decided to weigh myself today to try and scare myself into getting back on track: 238.8 (a 3.4 pound gain!!). And even that didn't help, I have been eating chips and cookies all day, so I probably weigh much more. If I am not careful I will be back into the 240s and I had hoped they were gone forever.

I have been feeling pretty down lately, I don't know if that is what my problem is but this has got to stop.

I always do this about this point. I had lost almost 30 pounds (~27 pounds this time). The last time I was serious about losing weight was before my wedding, when I lost 29 pounds (I saw 229 on the scale for the first time in a long time). I was so proud to reach that point and then I just gave up. I had gained back at least 10 pounds by my wedding and was lucky I fit into my dress. I am almost to that exact point again and I am giving up again. I hate that I do this. I have such a long way to go I cannot afford to keep doing this to myself.

I work 12 hour shifts the next 4 nights in a row, so I won't have much extra time to overeat. I am throwing away the rest of the leftover junk food from the bbq. I think I will spend the next few hours before I go to work catching up on some weight loss blogs for inspiration. Hopefully my husband and I can take the dog for a walk before we work tonight and I'd like to maybe get a workout in too, but right now my stomach is upset from overeating. I know this sounds awful but right now it would be so nice to be bulimic so I could just get rid of all that junk I just ate. I am having some serious remorse.

I am thinking I need to start planning out my meals and exercise for the week. If I have a written out plan to stick to that might help me keep on track better. Our vacation is in just over two months and I had hoped to be down to 200 or 210 by then, now that is impossible. My new goal is to be down 20 pounds by then. I really need to get back on track if that is to happen.